There were the fights with my niece the neighbors kids etc. And of course as usual when someone said something about it my guard was up. I tried the visits to my brothers house to play with the kids my cousins house to play with her kids but he really never got along with anyone. School...Oh school. I got phone calls everyday he was just not doing well in school not getting along with others, being obnoxious not doing his work and carrying on about everything. I was informed to take him therapy. After the first visit the doctor told me my son was emotionally handicapped. WTF is that did I do it, did his Dad do it what happened to this beautiful kid, but deep down inside I already knew I had a major problem to deal with.
I was cleaning houses with a childhood friend of mine to help with the money situation. You must do whatever you can to help your family, yes it was a low point in my life but I needed to help my husband.
After six long months of being totally uncomfortable and feeling like I was destroying this good family that allowed me to live in their home, we  rented a townhouse in the same town. My husband had started up another business (one of many) and we were able to go on our way. Finally I didn't have to clean someones toilets anymore. I felt human.
 I continued to go to doctors but every time they said something I didn't like I went to another. The schools were still calling about him and I was at my witts end. So I put him in a private school in NJ where other childre had the same problems. He really liked it there. He learned how to ski , had daily talks with the dean still had his issues of course but life was a little more quiet.
As we continued on my husband decided we were going to build the house of our dreams, on top of the mountain, this huge monster of a house. We were making really good money and it was time to make our dreams come true. My son would go up to help him I was with them too. We had heard rumors that this school was going under and I panicked not knowing what to do if this happened whrer would we send him now? It did close .So again we put him in regular school and the phone calls began day after day after day. After careful consideration I had mentioned that maybe we would send him to Military school in West Point maybe that would straighten him out and there had been other troubled kids going there and doing well. We traveled each way because they had no transportation 35 miles each way twice a day everyday. Still taking him to doctors. One of which told us we had a monster on our hands . My husband and I walked out in anger and never returned. After several months of school phone calls again it was over military school didn't want him either.
where o where had we gone wrong with this child, I was told a chemical imbalance all sorts of things but I always felt it was me that did it to him. Can being spoiled really make a child act this way, until today 33 years later I still blame myself.

As a child I am sure my son was confused at the time and being an overprotective Mom I showered him with anything I could get my hands on to make him happy. Whenever someone would make a negative statement about him I would become a cougar, no matter who it was Grandma, Dad, a friend or any relative I would get very defensive. He must have felt it and started to use it to his advantage. There became a time I couldn't even go into a store with him without him having a temper tantrum. So to shut him up I would leave food behind and buy him a toy instead. In the meantime I was still trying to get pregnant without much luck. He was becoming more and more spoiled as again I wanted him to have all the things I didn't. We had nothing but I would try any job to help out. So I had to put him in daycare which was a total nightmare. That didn't last long they told me they couldn't take his antics. Those antics continued in pre-school. I was very involved in the Chabab school in Reseda,Ca. We were planning a fund raiser carnerval at the end of the event the Rabbi called me into his office,(I thought to thank me for the great response) it was to ask me not to send my son there again. He was (without the words) kicked out at the age of 4. Oh what would I do now. So I took a job with the opposite hours of my husband so 1 of us would always be with him. We would play with him, swim with him etc etc because he had no siblings and no friends. What else could we do. He wouldn't even go to sleep at night without me sleeping with him. But that was my baby and I would do anything for him. We had a serial killer that time in LA county Richard Rameriz he was killing in our neighborhood and my son was scared to death so again I wouldn't let him sleep alone or leave him out of my site. Until today at 33 years old he is afraid of the night.
One day I was returning from work and found my house full of blood. I thought there was a murder, found out my darling son had a temper tantrum with a babysitter and put his hand through the front door windows, so my husband was called and brought him to the hospital. There goes another babysitter. 2 weeks later he was riding his bike (I was at work)he was with my husband and he fell off his bike and fracture his entire right side of his face. The hospital was becoming suspicious thinking he was being abused and questioned him alone. They soon realized he was just a rebel. But I continued protecting him whenever anyone said he was a monster. I would stop talking to people for that. Soon we were totally isolated from everyone. I was homesick from NY we were all alone in Ca. just my husband and my son. Then my stepson came over from Israel after he finished the army there. He couldn't stand my son either and I had a major attitude because of it. Looking back I would of hated him too the way this little child treated him. But again when u r in your young you think you know everything , I knew nothing I only knew don't anyone mess with my son.
Soon after we realized we couldn't make it in Ca and I begged my husband to please take me home to NY My Dad had since gotten another divorce, and was living in NY with my grandmother and my brother was in the same town. So I called my step daughter who had also moved back to NY to come and fly back to NY with her little brother, we drove a u haul with no radio and couldn't travel over 55  mph because the truck would shake and went back to NY to live with my husbands brothers' family and $500.00  we borrowed from my Dad (could always depend on Dad)
After 4 days straight on the road we arrived in NY to continue our life journey.We moved in with my brother-in-law and the family. We weren't even there 3 days and they were fed up with my son's sntics already. Oh no not Again................

Though there have been so many ups and downs more downs than up I continue to push forward. I have lived the dreams others wish for but have been through things most people will not go through in 3 life times.
At one point my 2 step children came to live with us ages 9 and 12. One boy one girl our son was 1 1/2 at the time. Talk about a difficult time omg it was even worse than that. We had moved to Florida so I could be near my Dad who had since remarried my best friends Mom. I did the hook-up... The kids moved in January 1981 the third week and Feb 1st my husband fell off o horse and broke his back and was unable to walk for a a long period of time of which he spent 4 agonizing months in Pembroke Pines hospital. We had no money, no food, only some jewelry I had accumulated through the years. My girlfriend and I went to pawn shops and I sold everything I had ever had. Except for the first piece my husband ever gave me. That was enough money for a couple of months but not enough. I didn't have a Florida License for Cosmetology and couldn't go to school because of the 3 kids. So I went to a local Pizzeria and became a waitress from 7 pm until 1 am and my Dad stayed with the kids. Thought I would never survive.
My husband had been in business with a close friend of ours but he never gave us a dime when this happened so I was 5 months behind on my mortgage when my husband returned home with a full body brace from the hospital. 2 weeks later he went back to work in a dump truck but we were to far behind to catch up and they put our home in foreclosure. By that time a was distraught,confused, sad, and totally lost, but my son kept me going as I needed to nuture him and protect him. That was the only thing I could do. And of course take good care of my stepchildren and my husband. So I forgot about myself.
After a long year my step-children wanted to visit their Mom abroad. I was very hesitant and didn't want too send them but I knew how it was to grow up without a Mom. So we sent them  and they never came back. They said they enjoyed the freedom they had gotten from her, and that we were to strict      We didn't see it strict only concerned and wanting the best for them. But children don't realize that when they are young. Even though my step-son was very jealous of our son and did very spiteful things to him.  At one point my son had to sleep between my husband and I for fear that my step-son would harm the baby. He would let him out in the morning to follow him to the bus stop then get on the bus and wave goodbye. I wasn't aware of this until one of neighbors phoned me and said my son was at her house with his diapers on. I almost died of fear and humiliation. There were so many other situations and I just became very scared to leave the together. What an awful way of living your life at 27 years old. There were many times I questioned this life of mine. Even thought of taking my son and running away, But I didn't want to be a statistic. So when the the step-children didn't return it became a little easier but I had so much guilt (for no reason) and my poor husband was devastated. But we continued on.
Then the time came when the bank was to foreclose, we had 10 days left, and luckily we sold right before with a loss of course. We would we go what would we do. We had no money and a dump truck and a Bronco. So we decided to drive to  North Florida and toss a coin of which direction we would go west or north. Well the coin read west and the three of us were on our way.

Gulty Mom

When they are born and all your wishes come true, when there is nothing in the world you wouldn't do for them, you never expect to look at them behind the glass. As my only child and after several years of trying to get pregnant and after all the fertility drugs my dreams became reality 1979. My beautiful son was born. I swore I would never be the Mother that my mother was to me. I would love this child and protect him with all my being. And I did. Maybe too much.
As a poor child and a motherless child, I was raised by my Dad,(really I raised him and my younger brother) whom I adore. My Dad was my life and my brother was my world, why wouldn't I adore this child, I had the motherly instinct from the age of 8.
I married the man of my dreams, with a lot of baggage, 3 other children, from 2 previous wives. OMG I was young and so in love I didn't care about any of the baggage, I just wanted this beautiful sensitive man. He is 12 years older and would do anything in the world for me I knew he would be a great father and wonderful husband. (so they say about the jewish men)lol . So we had the age difference, different religion, and he had been married twice before. Who would have ever guessed. My Italian family were having bets at  the wedding on how long this would last. He had been a millionaire before we got married and lost everything, but no one knew that ..they just assumed I married him for the money not knowing we borrowed money from Uncle Johnny to have the party. Well that was 36 years ago so the gamblers lost alot of money on that bet. I was a little nervous myself, but here we are.